Thursday, February 25, 2010

Not Your Typical Farewell Message

For those of you who may not have heard, I have left Hill & Knowlton to pursue new opportunities and aspirations. My last day in the office was Feb. 18. Not one to draw attention to myself, I did decide to have a little fun with my farewell e-mail to colleagues. Since the e-mail received rave reviews, I wanted to share with others. I would like to think that this is how "The Onion" would have covered it. Names of colleagues have been redacted to protect the innocent. lol. Enjoy!

From Wire Reports: Feb. 18, 2010
Mitch Derman Mystery Brings Back Memories of “Primary Colors”
Inside the Beltway types always clamor for a mystery. Not since the days of “Who wrote Primary Colors” has official Washington been so enraptured. But the “Where is Mitch Derman” mystery almost has a Willy Wonka-esque feel to it. People want that golden ticket. The soft-spoken communications professional that he is, Derman has remained mum about his professional life after Hill & Knowlton. Although a handful of lucky professionals apparently have been displaying Derman’s cool new business card that lists his title as Communications Consultant.

His popular blog, Beltway Banter, has not been updated with a new post in months. As the paparazzi clamor outside the Willard Hotel, where rumor has it a send-off is planned, we’ve summarized some of the rumors that have dominated the blogosphere in recent weeks:

American Idol Bound?
When Simon Cowell announced he would not return next season, Derman’s name has apparently, to the dismay of many, appeared on many short lists. A disgruntled Cowell has said, “Not possible. He would attract too many Grateful Dead wannabes. We can’t have that.”

Capitals Defenseman
. With a three game skid due to defensive lapses just before the Olympics, Capitals GM George McPhee is said to be considering Derman as a new defenseman. A shock to NHL followers considering Derman has never picked up a hockey stick. Two-time MVP Alex Ovechkin, in Vancouver for the Olympics, was quoted as saying, “Mitch has eaten one too many cookies to play on this squad. Let Crosby and the Pens have him.”

Input from Zachary.
Anderson Cooper, during a recent 360 program on CNN, managed to talk to Derman’s son at his preschool playground. Like his father, Zach also was mum. “I play with dinosaur,” he told Cooper.

Orioles GM
. MLB insiders have even heard the possibility of Derman becoming the next Orioles GM. According to comments from owner Peter Angelos in the Baltimore Sun, “No way, will never happen. He would bring back the winning tradition that we have not seen since 1997. We cannot have that here!”

White House Consultant.
Even inside the White House briefing room, there was talk of adding Derman as a communications consultant. While senior staff have neither confirmed nor denied the rumor, they did say that Derman could have helped the Administration in getting Americans to understand healthcare better.

PR Firm Softball League Commissioner.
According to league sources, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to comment on a free agent, the chances of Derman taking on this role are between slim and none. In fact, according to H&K Coach NAME, who is rumored to be challenging DC Mayor Adrian Fenty on a snow platform, “Derman was more of a primadonna than a player…always demanding things. He only played once and he was 0 for 3. However, I do have to admit that his locker room antics always helped instill a strong culture. He got me with that rayon tie joke every time.”

While Derman does remain mum, we do have his official statement:
“Today is my last day at H&K. For the last three plus years, I have enjoyed working with many of you – some of the brightest and most talented communications professionals in the business. While I’m still trying to figure out the next phase of my professional journey, I want to extend my gratitude for helping me achieve some of my career goals during my tenure. I will stay in touch. Whatever I do, I will keep living the dream.

I can be reached at (I may get a gmail account. According to NAME, aol mail is so old school. But old school is how I roll:) or on my cell at 571-216-8712. I may even try to revitalize the Beltway Banter blog. You can also follow me on twitter: @mitchderman. I’m sure our paths will cross again."

All the best,

P.S. – Let’s go Caps!

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